I have recently been aware that God is working something out inside of me and I am at peace with it-Sometimes.
For 10 days now–or maybe more; I don’t seem to have had much concept of the passage of time–I can tell that I’ve been in a state of internal chaos. All sorts of random, and sometimes conflicting, thoughts and ideas and languages and dreams and words and conversations and pictures have taken up residence in my head and I am powerless to change it. And I’m not sure if I want to change it! That’s the craziness of it all!
It’s like observing the observer. Like waiting on an oak tree to mature or beer to ferment. It seems all pointless and yet I know it’s not. Something is happening even if I can’t see it. I know this feeling of chaos is all by divine design and I know that the chaos theory still produces results even in spite of the chaos. So I am in acceptance at the realization that God is working something out in me and I am willing to let Him. I’ve learned that willingness is the key that can unlock many doors that otherwise would remain closed and even though none of these thoughts in my head make a lick of sense, nor can I piece them together into anything remotely palatable; I am willing.
What else can I do? When I contemplate my choices rationally, I can either choose to accept the circumstances and believe something that makes me feel peaceful about it like “God is working something out inside of me” or I can fight to the bitter end, whenever that may be, and neglect living life in the meantime for being so distracted by the fight; and then end up with all sorts of regrets and, quite probably, amends to make–all for lack of presence at the time of mind. Yuk! I’d rather take the easier softer way, even if I’m wrong. Besides, ‘right’ is only the willingness to risk being ‘wrong’. Whoever made such a big whoop about being right all the time, anyway? Would I rather be right or be happy?
As puzzling as this window in my life feels at the moment and as much as my mind wants to get ahold it and figure it all out RIGHT NOW, I am content to let it, whatever ‘it’ is, work itself out. I recognize that I may just be the vessel for ‘it’ coming to life in my conscious awareness, most likely in the form of some kind of grand realization, new self-awareness or creative masterpiece that will alter the course of my life, hopefully in amazingly unimaginable good ways! No one ever said that periods of deep introspection and chaos don’t create our everyday life’s work. I suspect they are precisely the anvil upon which our lives are molded into shape!
I saw this today and thought it might be relevant to your recent post:
Take the High Road to Lasting Inner Riches
“Those who choose the road to mediocrity will always find many shortcuts along the way.” – Guy Finley
For further understanding. . .
Often, when we first set out on the path of self-study, we begin with unrealistic or just plain mistaken expectations about what it will do for us. The unconscious wish that fuels this early stage of self-study is simply to become a better “old” person, rather than to become a completely new person.
Perhaps we have visions of suddenly becoming capable of handling with ease any set of troublesome circumstances; or that our newly enlarged self-knowledge will enable us to control other people, or at least to no longer be bothered by what anyone does to us. We hope or believe that in this imagined self-mastery the universe will shower us with gifts such as money, relationships, and good fortune. Further, we may believe that these are the things we need to guarantee our future happiness. But can any of these exterior conditions deliver the inner contentment we want? No, they can’t. See the following fact and let it reveal the path to higher and higher levels of inner freedom: even when these desires are fulfilled, they do nothing to expand the restricted world of our self. To the contrary, these trappings only tighten the secret grasp of the thought-self that now is strengthened in its belief in its own power. If we do what we call spiritual work for these “self”-ish reasons, we simply remain in our tiny world, seeking the ends that that world calls valuable. The only way out of that world is through self-study, which begins with showing us that devoting our lives to the never-ending agenda of the never-satisfied false nature will never lead us to lasting happiness.
When people approach their self-study with wrong expectations, they can quickly become discouraged when those expectations are not fulfilled. They then claim that self-study does not provide anything valuable in return for all the effort it requires, because it does not bring them what their minds tell them it should. Wanting only to feel good about themselves, according to their own worn-out ideas of what that means, they never enter into the realm of real self-study at all. Sadly, without knowing it, they close the door on a world that could have rewarded them beyond anything they even knew to ask for, which brings us to a surprising paradox along the path of self-study.
The purpose of our inner investigation is not to feel pleased with ourselves — and certainly not to feel good about ourselves because of some new noble self-image as someone aiming to lead a better life. The true purpose of self-study is to invite something Good into our lives that then provides us with the unshakable goodness we were previously unable to give ourselves.
We can only benefit from self-study when we use it correctly for self-discovery — and not just as one more ineffective attempt at self-creation. True self-study is not an exercise in confirming what has been, but an opening of ourselves to what is and to the always-becoming unknown. We can use it to illuminate the tiny world our false natures have held us captive in, allowing our discoveries to throw open the door to the larger world within that is our birthright.
— Guy Finley