I have recently been aware that God is working something out inside of me and I am at peace with it-Sometimes.
For 10 days now–or maybe more; I don’t seem to have had much concept of the passage of time–I can tell that I’ve been in a state of internal chaos. All sorts of random, and sometimes conflicting, thoughts and ideas and languages and dreams and words and conversations and pictures have taken up residence in my head and I am powerless to change it. And I’m not sure if I want to change it! That’s the craziness of it all!
It’s like observing the observer. Like waiting on an oak tree to mature or beer to ferment. It seems all pointless and yet I know it’s not. Something is happening even if I can’t see it. I know this feeling of chaos is all by divine design and I know that the chaos theory still produces results even in spite of the chaos. So I am in acceptance at the realization that God is working something out in me and I am willing to let Him. I’ve learned that willingness is the key that can unlock many doors that otherwise would remain closed and even though none of these thoughts in my head make a lick of sense, nor can I piece them together into anything remotely palatable; I am willing.
What else can I do? When I contemplate my choices rationally, I can either choose to accept the circumstances and believe something that makes me feel peaceful about it like “God is working something out inside of me” or I can fight to the bitter end, whenever that may be, and neglect living life in the meantime for being so distracted by the fight; and then end up with all sorts of regrets and, quite probably, amends to make–all for lack of presence at the time of mind. Yuk! I’d rather take the easier softer way, even if I’m wrong. Besides, ‘right’ is only the willingness to risk being ‘wrong’. Whoever made such a big whoop about being right all the time, anyway? Would I rather be right or be happy?
As puzzling as this window in my life feels at the moment and as much as my mind wants to get ahold it and figure it all out RIGHT NOW, I am content to let it, whatever ‘it’ is, work itself out. I recognize that I may just be the vessel for ‘it’ coming to life in my conscious awareness, most likely in the form of some kind of grand realization, new self-awareness or creative masterpiece that will alter the course of my life, hopefully in amazingly unimaginable good ways! No one ever said that periods of deep introspection and chaos don’t create our everyday life’s work. I suspect they are precisely the anvil upon which our lives are molded into shape!