Category Archives: Wonderments

Should-ing on Myself

Should-ing on Myself

I started wondering how many of the things I do, I do because I should being doing them vs how many things I do out of a authentic desire to do them?

I think somewhere along the way, I might have got brainwashed into this “should” business. I really hate that feeling when I am doing one thing, but unable to be fully being present while doing it, because one of the committees in my head thinks I should be doing something else.

I am finding that sometimes that feeling is rooted in the character defect of people pleasing, but other times it’s because I’ve procrastinated on something to the point where now I HAVE to do it or I’ve said “Yes” when I really meant “No” and overcommitted myself. My most humorous discovery is that sometimes I make my own misery because I have an idea about something before it’s really time to do it. Everything has its own timing. And I can’t count the number of times I have had a thing to do on my list for weeks, or sometimes months, allowing it eat at my conscience and then all of the sudden, a very naturally arising desire to do this very thing bubbles up and Voila!, I get it done!

I see clearly now all this is the Superwoman Syndrome cleverly disguising herself, thinking I won’t recognize her! Once again I get the reminder from the Universe of whose in charge and it’s not me! Regardless of what’s on my To Do list, when I am willing to be faith-filled in my actions at all times, everything get done precisely when it is supposed to get done and I have alot more peace!

Boundaries on Encouragement

Boundaries on Encouragement

I wonder why we push our loved ones to pursue the things at which they seem naturally gifted?  Is what appears like encouragement really our own selfish desire to avoid the pain it causes US to see a loved one ‘piss away their talents’?

This seems like such a ‘normal’ and healthy thing to do for a loved one and we do it under the guise of ‘encouragement’.  But where do we cross that invisible line from being encouraging to creating a ‘should’ for them–unintentionally making the things at which they are naturally gifted an obligation to meet our expectations, rather than a pursuit of joy?

Should we not all have the opportunity to genuinely pursue our interests for the sake of their intrinsic pleasure and be free from our loved one’s expectations?

Someone told me once “Say it once and that’s fine, but if you find yourself saying it repeatedly, that’s controlling.”  Do we try to control or loved ones and make it look like ‘encouragement’?

New Definition of Encouragement for Loved Ones:  Create space and opportunity for them to pursue their interests and let them do with it as they see fit, even if that appears like nothing.

Paradox of Creativity

Paradox of Creativity

I often wonder why I will sometimes choose to not act upon a creative urge.  I will feel the inner lunges of the completeness that could be mine–the kind of peaceful feeling that you’ve said what you needed to say, you’ve done your work, you’ve done what you needed to do–In that way that only the creator can measure, it is ‘done’.  Yet, in spite of the lusciousness I know this feeling brings, I will still sometimes pass the creative urge on to find another creator and I wonder why?

I once read a story about a girl in college that was stumped on a writing assignment.  Her assignment was to write a 500-word essay on a historic Theatre on Main Street in the town where she lived.  After days of groveling, she could think of nothing that would be worthy of writing.  She was blocked.  Uninspired.  She went back to the professor for guidance and he suggested she start with the brick in the top left corner, describe that brick and see what happened.  The girl left in a quandary certain that she did not want to spend her essay writing about brick.  But at a loss for anything else to do, she followed the directive of her professor.  She wrote about the first brick and then for lack of anything else to write about, she wrote about the second brick and just as she was finishing her thoughts describing the second brick, however mundane they were, she felt something inside her open up and she was able to write, actually not stop writing.  She wrote a 5000-word essay on the intricate beauty of that old historic Theatre!

So as this is the nature of creativity.  Being blocked artistically, I think is really a clever disguise for choosing to be a victim of our own procrastination.  I have found this experience to be mine over and over.  So many times over, that it was too obvious for me to see. It was too obvious to see that the reason I will sometimes choose to block creativity in the interest of other ‘life’ things, is because subconsciously I know that once you respond to the drip, it quickly becomes a flood.  And thank God it does!  Otherwise, some of the greatest works in history would have never seen life.  The flood is hard to shut off.  And once I get into the flow of it, I don’t really want to shut it off.  It feels good to bathe in urges of creativity.

So I’ve learned that creative impulses are cunning.  They’re fantastically therapeutic and render great works and they are tricksters at the same time.  What it really comes down to at the moment of choice is this:  Am I willing to bathe in the floodwaters of creativity or am I just wanting to shut up this thing in my head?  If the latter, the solution is simple–just deny it life and it will go find another creator who is willing to bring it forth into being.  And I can rest assured that if I am the only artist suitable for the job, it will not cease.  Creativity that is frolicking in the wind riding its currents is content with any creator that catches her drift, but creativity that has already chosen her master is relentless!

Personal Registries

Personal Registries

I can’t believe it, but I’ve started thinking about this year’s Christmas season already and I had the wonderment:  “Why don’t we all have Christmas registries?”  This sure would take some of the stress and certainly the guessing out of the Christmas shopping experience.

And then I wondered, “Why reserve registries for only weddings and baby showers?”  So being inspired by my wonderment, I set-up an online wish list and shared it with my family.

Movement of Consciousness

Movement of Consciousness

One of my friends, Rick Morgan, made this comment on my post about Depression:

Now, if you really want to go down the rabbit hole… Many leading quantum physicists agree that there are an infinite number of parallel universes that exist in very close proximity, and that our consciousness exists in the universe that matches our vibrational frequency. I believe that we shift through these universes at will by changing our own vibration/emotional state. So, when we I force myself to be happy and expect good things to happen for me and my family and friends, I’m actually shifting to a reality where those things exist. So, do you want the blue pill, or the red pill, Neo?

I thought the commentary was too good not to share and I suppose I feel like going down a rabbit hole this morning with deep thinking.  I have often pondered the probability of what he presents here and I am coming to the conclusion that, while it may defy logic, the experiences I’ve had support this theory to be true.

I frequently find myself vacillating between what feels like different worlds.  From all outward appearances, I am still present, but it’s like the inside of me has gone somewhere else.  “Lost in a daydream” does not quite describe the experience, although I do experience being momentarily lost in daydreams and I do think that is probably a “short trip” form of time travel.  What I thought was so striking about Rick’s comment was that it presents time travel as the movement of our consciousness, rather than our physical manifestations.  I think “time travel” as we define it here happens to us all the time as a very natural thing that occurs without our awareness.  I think we all experience it, we just label it as weird, freaky, unbelievable, unexplainable, coincidental, bizarre…anything but time travel!  Time travel seems to have acquired this taboo reserved exclusively for the mad scientist, not to mention the assumption that it must be our physical manifestations that travel, which of course, makes the whole deal very un-plausible, hence the madness!

Back in March 2006, a poem called “This World That” chased me down demanding to be written.  It was an explanation to my lover addressing his frustration with my attentiveness or lack of it.  It describes my vacillating between worlds and how he can tell it in my eyes. To go to the blog post, click here.  The movement of our consciousness between realities is not really paranormal, it is only perceived as paranormal because we put so much of our stock into only the things we can experience with our five senses.  What happened to the validity of our sixth sense?

Depression

Depression

What is “depression” anyhow?  Is it really real?  It most certainly feels real in the midst of it and yet our feelings are not our facts, or so I’m told.  And why is “depression” seemingly destined to plague writers, artists and scientists?  Is this a special designation that would otherwise be honorable if we didn’t, as a society, judge it different?  If society was built around the eccentricities of artistic and scientific madness, wouldn’t that then be the norm and we might perceive the rest of the world as walking zombies, maniacs engaging in pointless activity, autistic, obsessive-compulsive, lepers or a bunch of heathens???  And in that sense, the word “depress-ion” hardly seems apropos.  It seems “alive-sion” might be better suited.

Is “depression” only perceived as “depression” because of how it looks from the outside?  Would it still be called “depression” if you could see it from the inside?  And for the one who is “feeling” it from the inside, does it feel “depress”ing because it is a battleground between calling and purpose and desire vs. expectation, obligation and responsibility?  And then further compounded by the act of depressing the former in the interest of the latter?

Wasp Energy, Anyone?

Wasp Energy, Anyone?

So, for about a week now, we’ve had these wasps outside our door.  At first, I was really annoyed (which I figured out later was really fear–funny how our mind can disguise our emotions), and was busting down their nest with a broom and spraying them with bug killer.  All the while I was doing this, I recognized this slight feeling of guilt registering somewhere deep inside of me, but my mind shrugged it off as “Nah, there is no reason to feel guilty for killing such pesky creatures.  After all they might sting you!  You are just protecting yourself.”

As much as I wanted to believe what my mind was telling me, so I could justify my actions, I just couldn’t shake this odd feeling. It kept bothering me.  A day or so later, with the same mind that was attempting to justify my actions, I thought “I wonder what the symbolism is of the wasp totem?”  So I promptly looked and it here is what it said:

“Animal symbolism of the wasp deals with:  order, construction, communication, involvement, development, progress, team-work and productivity.”  Source:  www.whats-your-sign.com/wasp-animal-symbolism.html

In that instant, I no longer saw the wasps as pests (this was the point I figured out that my annoyance was really fear in disguise). I suddenly saw their presence as a gift because I realized they were bringing me the energy of the things with which I am most struggling right now.

I continue to be amazed (and hopefully always will) at how quickly a new understanding can change our perspective.  And with new perspective, our behavior changes, too.  So now when I go out my door or return home, I stop and observe the wasps in all their glory, honor them for what they represent and how they remind me of the lessons that I am trying to learn.  I can even get up close and peer into their nest as they alternately work and rest, and they don’t rustle about.  It’s like there is a mutual respect. Wasp EnergyAnd the thing that really amazes me is that the whole time I was out there trying to clobber them and kill them, they never once swarmed me or tried to sting me.  They just gracefully flew away and came back after I was gone.  They rode the merry-go-round with me long enough for me to get the message why they were there.  And if you are reading this and thinking I’m nuts, you are not the only one.  As I type my experience and thoughts here, I think it’s a little “off”, too.  But, hey, people’s perception is their reality, so if you want to change your reality, change your perception!

And here is the real kicker…I am observing that the presence of the wasps is really helping me.  For many, many months now, my desk has been cluttered with stacks of papers, unfinished business, project ideas, etc. and as much as I’ve hated it, I also had taken no action to change it.  Since the wasps came along, and I made my peace with them, I found myself inspired to clear my desk and do some organizing.  And I actually did it, instead of just thinking about it!  And now, when I walk in my office, I dance a little jig because I am so thrilled to be there instead of immediately being overcome with a feeling of dread and defeat.  How I put up with that feeling of ‘defeat before even getting started’ for as long as I did, I really don’t know.  But then again, that’s not the first time I’ve observed myself defaulting to what is familiar, in lieu of what might be in alignment with my truth.

Wasp energy, anyone?

Drought of Inspiration

Drought of Inspiration

Do you ever wonder why we must have times without purposeful vision?  Or times without inspiration?  In the midst of times like these I am prey to wonder what is the purpose of this?  Why must I go thru times like these?

Over the last several weeks, I have found myself vacillating in and out of times just like this.  And it seems to me, although my perception is not always reality, that it’s happening at a time when I desperately need vision and the inspiration to carry it out.  I have the fortunate responsibility of being at the helm of a rapidly growing company and times without vision or inspiration just seem to be an unnecessary stall in the grand scheme of things.

But let me tell you the flip side of this same coin.  Work has always been a place where I could isolate from living life, all the while thinking I was living life.  Funny how we can delude ourselves!  It was so easy to conjure up delusions of grandeur about how I was making a difference with my work, all the while relationships with people I cared about the most were going unattended.   Long story short, I had wrapped up my identity in my work so much that the two became inseparable.  Somewhere along the way, work was no longer just work, it became who I was.  The unfortunate nature of finding yourself in this place is that when you realize that your “works” have become your life source, you must also admit that you are without faith.  Faith without works is dead and works can’t substitute for faith no matter how many times you attend church.

So in the midst of coming to truths with this realization, I began praying earnestly for relief from the bondage of work.  This has, no doubt, been a process and not an event.  And for as long as I was work-identified, it will most likely be a life-long process.  But more is always revealed.

And more has been revealed.  During these times without vision or inspiration, I have discovered it is a really awesome experience to become aware of how God is answering your prayers, but still be experiencing the change.  Most of my experience before now has been the realization of a prayer being answered after the fact, not so much during the process of change.  And I am always in awe of how my prayers get answered.  It is never simple, it’s always complex and much richer and deeper than I expected.  Answered prayers always catch me by surprise.

So I now unequivocally understand my truth about this drought of vision and inspiration.  As someone who, for the better part of my working life, has always been blessed with vision and inspiration, I learned to over-rely on that gift in the vein of seeking my identity thru work.  In the process of earnestly seeking redemption from the bondage of work and being willing to do things differently, these times of drought have been a blessing.  While I have felt disconnected without vision and inspiration, it has also left me with nothing to which I could attach myself.  It is almost like God’s gift of time-off, so that I could start to learn what it feels like to have balance between work and rest.  To learn work’s proper place in my life.  To have work, but not be identified with it.  To know that being grateful for work is not the same as being identified with work.   To learn that being responsible for my contribution to the finances is not a license to work to the detriment of important personal relationships.  To learn that a life’s work does not mean I must spend all of my life at work.  To learn that time-off from work is just as critical work as the work itself.  To learn that work is a part of life, but being a part does not make it the whole.