Category Archives: Window Into My Life

Meltdown’s Make Butterflies

Meltdown’s Make Butterflies

So I had a meltdown on Tuesday. I’ll spare you details except this one tiny, ugly part that might be worth sharing. And not because I want to tell you this, but because I have the nudge that sharing at this level of vulnerability honors the authenticity in me; and I know that when I am authentic, that is what opens the way for you to relate; and because, really, to not share this one tiny, ugly detail, well it would most likely just make the rest of this blog post something similar to Charlie Brown “teacher-speak”—“WaaRah, WaaRah, Waa….”.

Soooo, the ugly little detail…….I threw up months and months of suppressed anxiety, worry and stress….literally. My body convulsed and heaved all thru the night on Wednesday puking up the poison of my stabled headless horsemen; you know those ones: terror, bewilderment, frustration and despair.

Once I reached the end of my rope and gave into the long overdue and necessary “becoming a glob”, my metamorphosis began in that same instant, even though that’s only clear to me in hindsight. I had the warning signs of its commencing, but I didn’t know how to interpret them. So as my body was wringing itself clean of emotional poisons it could no longer stand, I was completely powerless to stop it. It had my full participation, but certainly not my permission! And yet, the cleansing could not have taken place any other way. Apparently, I’m hard-headed!

One thing I can say that was vitally important to my meltdown, cleansing and metamorphosis was being surrounded by safe people around whom it was ok to behave badly….to use foul language, to be unreasonable, to beat myself up, to play the victim, make ridiculous requests, be rude and otherwise just act plain insane; and they would still love me anyway.

Somewhere along the route of this lifetime, I learned that people chose to love and support me based on what I brought to the table and how I acted. Bring alot to the table; let’s get it on! Behave badly; see ya! Is it really a wonder(ment) that our ‘problems’ are of our own making? And aren’t our ‘problems’ really our greatest opportunities? A dear friend of mine says “God gives us brilliant opportunities disguised as impossible situations.” Of course they feel impossible when we’re right in the middle of them, only to be clear as crystal later.

Aren’t we all living to “tell the tale”, so to speak….to move thru the experience, infuse it into our soul, harness the lesson as another treasure in our chests and be poised and ready to share the essence of our authentic lives to relate to another, or another to us? Relating and Relationships….isn’t this the space of life where the fruit is the sweetest? And aren’t meltdown’s how we learn to become butterfly’s?

Window Into My Life…April 4, 2011

Window Into My Life…April 4, 2011

I am in an introspective window of pushing thru some barriers that have been holding me back. I find myself imposing the constraint of essential silence, sitting quitely and calmly with myself; honoring a journal of stream-of-consciousness writing when I feel the words and thoughts pushing up thru the soil of my soul; limiting my inputs to only those that are helpful and applicable for my present state of purpose; and lining all of this with frequent prayer.

Eat Pray Love

Eat Pray Love

So I just finished watching Eat Pray Love, the movie adapted from the book by Elizabeth Gilbert. It finally came out on Netflix! I cried and laughed and loved and felt loved all within the 2 hour and 20 minutes space of the movie and now I feel compelled to write. That’s how it works for me, I suppose; something causes me to drop into my heart and I want to write….need to write. Maybe it’s because she is a writer and I’ve read the book, but I doubt it. I think it’s more just because I’m a writer.

I forget that occasionally. I get busy with life and forget that about myself. That writing is one of the things I want to do most; that I feel like I was born to do. Writing makes me feel like I’m contributing to the world.

There are seven things in life that really make my heart sing, that which you might call my passions: 1) writing, duh!; 2) reading, I read lots of different types of books, but find that always having a good fiction book going helps me feel more balanced; 3) playing pool, I actually aspire to go pro; 4) riding (and working on, we call that “wrenching”, motorcycles), I’m fond of the long-distance brand of motorcycle therapy; 5) studying, learning and speaking Spanish; 6) photography; and 7) travel, it’s no accident that I can do all of these things while traveling! I like and enjoy lots of other things, but none more than these seven; these rise far and above all other possible activities.

I go thru spurts and dry spells with all of them. Currently, I’ve been indulging my love for the game of pool one night a week. Yes, I know a girl that wants to go pro has to play a helleva lot more than one night a week and, quite frankly, I’m kinda tired of hearing it. Has anyone ever said out loud that it’s really a whipping to be constantly reminded of your potential by others? Don’t do that! It creates barriers. I know why we do it. We do that to those we love precisely because we love them, and it makes us happy to think about them fulfilling their greatest potential. But what if we focused on tending to the fulfillment of our own potential, instead? Then we wouldn’t have to focus on someone else’s as a distraction for our own. We inspire people to seek and indulge their greatest potential by supporting them; allowing them time and space; by loving them as they are, not as we want them to be; and certainly not by minding their business and painting their picture for them or by telling them what they already know.

See, here’s the thing about passions. They are things we feel deeply about and that satisfy a place in our souls for which nothing else will suffice. By definition, they are soul work. I can work out the messiness of my life on a pool table in the same way I can by writing or riding my motorcycle. I get perspective. I have aha’s! Life is one big analogy, but we can’t digest and relate to “one big analogy”. So we have passions. Passions help us relate and see our world and our problems thru a different lens; they give us perspective.

When I’ve made a mess on the pool table because I didn’t play good shape, I’ve got to play it like it lies. And when I stretch myself to formulate a plan to approach a “low probability of success” situation (of my own making), I get reminded that the point was not so much about the success or failure of the immediate next shot as it is about the strategy of the entire game. Life is one big game and our passions give us bite-size games as altars upon which we can learn our life’s lessons….if we’re paying attention.

I Am The Way, The Truth and The Life

I Am The Way, The Truth and The Life

Of course, most of us recognize this as a commonly referenced passage of the Bible, specifically a quote from Jesus. The Bible connoisseurs among us know the passage is John 14:6 and will be quick to point out that the rest of the quote is “No one comes to the Father except through me”, so let me go ahead and make that acknowledgement before sharing what’s on my heart.

I’ve recently had some very interesting wonderments about this statement. I spent a great many years with a certain disdain for organized religion. While I certainly have times marked with good memories while participating in church and related activities, deep down I was plagued with bothersome feelings for which I could not quite formulate words. For years, I disguised these feelings as an intellectual curiosity, under the guise of “seeking to understand”. I thought I had to understand it with my head before I could believe it in my heart. Understanding was the cause and belief was the effect.

As I meandered along my own personal journey of discovering what a connection to God actually felt like, I also started to discover the source of my previous disdain. And this quote from Jesus lay at the core of it. As I’ve grown in my relationship with God, I eventually came to put words to those previously indescribable, bothersome feelings–this inner observation that the purveyors of religion believed they were in sole possession of the Truth.

So herein lies my wonderment: Is is possible that what Jesus meant by this statement was that he, in his essence, was his own way; his own truth; and his own life–that his source for the peace, prosperity and goodness of life was the God-source that laid within him? And is it possible that what he was offering with this quote was that the same was true for all of us? That we all are born in the eyes of God and thus all have an innate source of God within our being; one that we can harness as our own personal Source of God to help us find our way, our truth and ultimately learn how to live our life in service to that authority within us?

Window Into My Life…August 27, 2010

Window Into My Life…August 27, 2010

I have recently been aware that God is working something out inside of me and I am at peace with it-Sometimes.

For 10 days now–or maybe more; I don’t seem to have had much concept of the passage of time–I can tell that I’ve been in a state of internal chaos.  All sorts of random, and sometimes conflicting, thoughts and ideas and languages and dreams and words and conversations and pictures have taken up residence in my head and I am powerless to change it.  And I’m not sure if I want to change it!  That’s the craziness of it all!

It’s like observing the observer.  Like waiting on an oak tree to mature or beer to ferment.  It seems all pointless and yet I know it’s not.  Something is happening even if I can’t see it.  I know this feeling of chaos is all by divine design and I know that the chaos theory still produces results even in spite of the chaos.  So I am in acceptance at the realization that God is working something out in me and I am willing to let Him.  I’ve learned that willingness is the key that can unlock many doors that otherwise would remain closed and even though none of these thoughts in my head make a lick of sense, nor can I piece them together into anything remotely palatable; I am willing.

What else can I do?  When I contemplate my choices rationally, I can either choose to accept the circumstances and believe something that makes me feel peaceful about it like “God is working something out inside of me” or I can fight to the bitter end, whenever that may be, and neglect living life in the meantime for being so distracted by the fight; and then end up with all sorts of regrets and, quite probably, amends to make–all for lack of presence at the time of mind.  Yuk!  I’d rather take the easier softer way, even if I’m wrong.  Besides, ‘right’ is only the willingness to risk being ‘wrong’.  Whoever made such a big whoop about being right all the time, anyway?  Would I rather be right or be happy?

As puzzling as this window in my life feels at the moment and as much as my mind wants to get ahold it and figure it all out RIGHT NOW, I am content to let it, whatever ‘it’ is, work itself out.  I recognize that I may just be the vessel for ‘it’ coming to life in my conscious awareness, most likely in the form of some kind of grand realization, new self-awareness or creative masterpiece that will alter the course of my life, hopefully in amazingly unimaginable good ways!  No one ever said that periods of deep introspection and chaos don’t create our everyday life’s work.  I suspect they are precisely the anvil upon which our lives are molded into shape!